Gay Bears, Pink Mirrors, and Nice Rears
by PolythenePam80
Summary: It is James’ and Lily’s 7th year and there is romance and bad jokes galore. As we follow the duo and their zany group of friends through their last year at Hogwarts we will have many a giggle at their expense. Read this fanfic it is NOT like the others!
1. Chapter 1

Summary: Ah yes…It is James' and Lily's 7th year and there is romance and bad jokes galore. As we follow the duo and their zany group of friends through their last year at Hogwarts we will have many a giggle at their expense**. Please read this fanfic it is NOT like all the others!**

Humor/Romance Rated: PG 13 for language and sexual content

Chapter 1:

"Ah, Lily look at us! We are in our 7th year. I feel so mature," exclaimed Audra Brooks, Lily's greatest friend, as she grinned wickedly in the mirror.

Lily laughed at the mischievous gleam in Audra's eyes. "If only you'd _act_ as mature as you feel."

"What? And miss all the fun?"

Audra turned back to the robes she was trying on at Madam Malkins' Robes for All Occasions. It had been easy enough for Lily and Audra to choose their school robes for the upcoming year but now they were trying on dress robes for the Hogwarts Dance that was held exclusively for 7th years. At that moment Audra had slipped on a blue-green dress robe that emphasized the clear, deep blue of her eyes. As she twirled around to get the full view of herself her hip-length blonde hair shimmered around her.

Lily sighed, "I envy your slim figure."

Audra laughed, "Like you have weight problems you fucking anorexic. Go eat some cake."

Lily smiled. "Are you gonna buy that dress? I personally think that if you looked any hotter you'd make all the boys' eyes melt."

"I guess. What about you?"

Lily looked at her own reflection, her shiny red hair reached to the middle of her back and her startling green eyes could catch anyone's attention. "I think I like the white one with the green trim."

"Yeah, that one's nice." Then Audra added slyly, "I know someone who'd particularly like it."

"Who, Professor Borgus?"

"Ewww, NO! Never trust anyone who teaches potions and loves Slytherins so much he'd be more than willing to lick every one of their asses' clean… He must enjoy the nutty flavor."

"Well, he is Head of the Slytherin House so of course he'd favor-"

"I'm talking about James Potter!"

Lily glared, "You know I hate-"

"Well, he's like a brother to me what with our mothers being best friends and all. He's known me since I was born. And he has liked you since the end of 4th year. Why don't you give him a chance?"

"Because if I wanted a pain in the ass I'd sit on a tack."

"You know he only acts like an ass around you because you make him nervous and he wants to impress you. It's a defense mechanism. He's not like that around me."

"Well he's pretty stupid if he thinks that will impress me or anyone else at school."

"Fine, be a smelly turd. I just figured it was worth a try. Let's go buy this stuff…"

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So what do you think? I know it's pretty boring but it gets better and funnier. Just this and the next chapter are used to introduce all the characters. But please let me know what you think. I love getting your questions, comments, and complaints. You may send me flamers but I'll let it rest on your conscience that when you do I cry in my pillow at night and wish that I was less pathetic than I am. Na, just messin'. I like those too. Finally, I do not own any of the HP characters that you recognize. I'm not that talented. This is the only time I'll say it. Peace Out.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2:

As Lily and Audra left Madame Malkins' another group of rambunctious teenagers made their way to Florean Fortescues's Ice Cream Parlor. As they walked they jokingly tried to curse each other. They all seemed rather spry save for a short, pudgy one who was hit by every curse that was thrown at him. By the time they got to Florean's the boy resembled a walking mushroom that had a rather alarming amount of mucus-colored fungus spreading along its top.

The waiter recognized them immediately as the foursome usually came at least twice a week. He called out, "What did you do to Pettigrew?"

The boy with messy black hair and hazel eyes laughed before replying, "Wormtail will be fine. Just some innocent fun."

"Yeah James is right," said another as he winked at a couple of passing girls and shaked his black hair back to reveal his handsome face.

"Ah stop showing off Sirius," sighed a pale, almost sickly looking boy with tannish blonde hair and blue-grey eyes.

Sirius grinned, "You might as well ask me not to breathe."

Suddenly Sirius perked up looking like a wolf about to snatch its prey. "Look who it is!" he shouted joyfully. James Potter turned around to see two girls walking his way and not just any two girls but two beautiful girls that go by the names of Lily and Audra. As Sirius lightly jogged to meet them James stayed behind knowing how much Lily despised him. Audra gave him a little wave before turning her attention to Sirius. James couldn't help but smile at the thought of what was about to occur. Audra and Sirius had been dating on and off since 5th year and since it was now an "off" time there was a definite guarantee that there was going to be a show down.

Sirius leisurely took the last few steps toward Audra and Lily as he said, "Hi Audra long time no see. Still a cold-hearted, frigid bitch?"

Audra fired back, "It certainly seems like you're still a cocky asshole…" then knowing his soft spots she added, "with really bad hair."

Sirius quickly grabbed a brightly colored pink mirror out of his back pocket as he said worriedly, "What's wrong with my hair?"

Audra grinned, "I was wrong. Your hair is the least of your problems. Right now I'd be worried about the way you're 'coming out of the closet.'"

"Coming out of the closet?"

"Yeah, I guess your pink mirror is just a subtle way to say 'I'm Here and I'm Queer.'"

Sirius replied vehemently, "I am not queer."

"Sure, denial is the first sign."

Remus and the still mushroomlike Peter chose that moment to appear. "Sirius, I need your help fixing Peter. When I tried the counter curse he just started to sprout things that look remarkably like…never mind. Hey Audra. Hey Lily."

Lily smiled. Finally she saw someone she liked. "So Remus, did you get Head Boy?"

"Yeah, but Midge Grundy got Head Girl so I'm not that excited."

At this Audra piped up, "Midge? My Midge? Aw, she must be as proud as a puffer fish right now."

Sirius, still not paying attention to Peter's mushroom's ever-growing testicle display grinned mockingly. "Oh and I am the queer one you say? Who says 'as proud as a puffer fish anyway?' I'll tell you who. The leader of the gay parade."

Audra sighed, "Can we now get to Florean's? Fag boy needs to sit down. He's getting moody."

Lily knew that despite her friend's comments she still fancied Sirius. But even if it gave Audra time with Sirius she definitely did not want to go over by James. He was a git, and not just any sort of a git, but a big, egotistical, slightly-good-at-quidditch-one who was about as charming as a snake with diarrhea. She kept repeating this to herself as she got closer and closer to him. It made her feel obscurely better. Little did she realize that James did not say anything even remotely bigheaded. He only said, "Hey, Lily." But from the expression on her face he might as well as said, "Go drown in a large vat of shit."

James blushed feeling like a retard in an accelerated learning classroom. To hide this he busied himself by finally helping Peter. As he collected his thoughts he decided he should try to say something witty and charming to Lily that would really impress her. "Think idiot," he said to himself, "I could tell her about something interesting, hmmm…I know quizilla. Yeah I can hint about a personality quiz I took that made me look kind and thoughtful. _James you are a genius_. Yes I know. _But do you know?_ I know I should stop having conversations with myself. _Right_."

As he cleared his throat he mentioned the first quiz that came to him, "So have you ever taken the 'What Dysfunctional Care Bear are You' quiz?

"The What?"

"I was gay bear."

James could not believe he had just said that. He might as well of gone over and goosed Sirius right on the tush. But to his surprise Lily started cracking up. "Gay bear! Really?"

James opened his mouth to reply but then Sirius came up, "Come on. Let's order."

James and Lily went to follow the others. James thinking, "I made her laugh." Lily thinking, "Gay bear! Really?" Neither of them noticed a rather sinister figure staring at them from the corner of their eye.

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OOOHHH! Spooky! So what do you think? I like this chapter a lot better than the first. If you couldn't figure out that the foursome in the beginning of the chapter it was Peter Pettigrew, Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, and James Potter. Also when James is talking to himself the italicized words have no extra special meaning that was just to help you figure out that he was conversing with himself. Finally quizilla is an actual website, if you didn't know, and there really is a 'What Dysfunctional Care Bear are You' quiz. I took it. I got gay bear. That was my inspiration for that part of the story. For those picky readers that will state that James would not know how to use a computer in the first place my answer to you is "Screw You!" No just messin' again. I just believe that as James is not anti-muggle he'd have visited a muggle friend over the summer and learned a lot about different muggle stuff, not wanting to be the type that is ignorant. Plus since he likes Lily he'd want to impress her with his knowledge. Wow, this was a long author's note. Don't worry they all won't be this massive. Peace Out.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3:

Lily and Audra apparated to Audra's home so that she could pack all the belongings she needed for a two week stay at Lily's house before the school year began. Audra peered into her kitchen before giving a whoop of joy.

Lily looked at her friend, "What?"

Audra gave a sigh of relief, "Nobody's home."

"That bad, huh?"

"You have no idea. My mother is constantly after me. She always says 'If I could only have one daughter why did I have to have one like you?' And it's only gotten worse."

At this she started pacing, "You'd think my dad would stick up for me but nnnooo. He just goes around with nothing but air between his two ears. If it has nothing to do with his darling Steven he doesn't give a damn." She took a quick intake of breath, "It's not that I'm jealous of Steven it's just…If he had to have a favorite why Steven? He's 29, unemployed, and still living with his parents. He's not particularly brave or anything; he has no outstanding qualities. If anything he's a fool."

"Aud, aren't you being a little harsh on your brother?"

"What are you kidding? They deserve it, all of them. Except Brian. If it weren't for Brian I would have gone insane by now. I mean honestly if my mother and father had to give descriptions of all their kids they'd say, 'There's Star Steven who's the best at everything, Radiant Rory who's just so smart he's going to be the next Dumbledore, Bad Brian who's nothing but a troublemaker, Darling Daniel who's so responsible, and then there's Awful Audra who's everything a girl shouldn't be. Rory depends on talent he doesn't have and tries to cover it up by reading a lot of books. So when you try to talk to him you can't understand a word he's saying and, of course, that just shows his superiority over the listener. And Daniel, he doesn't know a thing about loyalty, he'd do anything to get on top. He's such a tattletale. I mean I like to tease him and I have a laugh now and then at his expense, but I most certainly do not think of him as a comrade."

"Audra I think you need to take a couple deep breaths."

"Sorry, I sound like such a shit, don't I? It's just if I learned one thing from living with my family it's been that you can tire of loving someone. I mean my mum was just some lovesick girl who saw my dad as an older, attractive pro-quidditch player. She was infatuated with his fame and good looks. There was no love. And Dad, well, he just saw my mom as a teenage girl who helped him out of a little financial trouble so he should reward her by marrying her, or something…She was just a way to produce little Stevie Brooks so that his legacy would go on. I mean my mum is totally indifferent to my dad. She tries to hide it in public 'cause it's not "proper" to feel that way. And my dad, well he's far too shallow to have such deep feelings."

Audra smiled, "I am finding myself incapable of shutting up."

Lily gave her friend a quick hug, "I realize that. You'll just have to pay a little extra for this week."

Audra grinned, "I just wish I had a better personality so I wouldn't have to pay you 200 pounds a week."

"200! Are you on drugs? Like I'd do it for that low. I am definitely not letting you pay less than 650!"

"You do realize we haven't even started packing yet."

"Like it's my fault you just went haywire."

"Sorry," said Audra apologetically.

"I'm just kidding around, Aud. Really, it's important to let these things out. I'll always be here for you."

"_Right_. Thanks Lily. Of course, now I feel really awkward. Like I'm standing in front of you totally naked or something. This most definitely is not a good feeling."

Lily giggled, "You mean you feel naked right now which is almost like when you _are_ naked when you're with Sirius."

"Wow. What did I do to deserve that comment? Honestly. I mean just for the record I hate Sirius. I hope he rots in the deepest crevices of hell."

"A deep crevice? Possibly like the deep crevice between Severus Snape's two ass cheeks?" Lily laughed, "God am I on today or what?"

"Well you most certainly are on something. Possibly the Perv Express. I just want you to know that when you said that, I got a horrendously graphic picture in my head of Snape's ass. Which was definitely an image that I could have gone without seeing for as long as I live. Plus you sound like a git when you laugh at your own jokes. Not a good habit to get into."

"Right well let's get packing then."

"How am I suppose to concentrate on packing when I keep envisioning Snape's white ass be speckled with hemorrhoids in my mind?"

Audra continued to mutter about Snape's grotesque ass as she made her way up the stairs.

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Hello! Well Audra was really longwinded in this chapter! Sorry! I know that to many people who read this the chapter may seem really pointless. But it's not (_hint, hint_). Well not all of it at least. The ass jokes were just in there to lighten the mood a bit. Now please review. I want you to tell me what you think of the story so far. Do you like Audra? Do you like the plot? Am I going too slowly? Just let me know. Peace Out.


	4. Urgent!

**Attention Readers! To continue this story I need at least 4 more reviews so I know people are reading the story! I don't care if it is a million reviews from the same person; just throw me a frickin' bone here!**

**Signed**

**PolythenePam, a desperate author in need of love and support through reviews, whether cruel or kind is up to you**


	5. Chapter 4

Chapter 4:

James blurrily looked at the clock hanging above the entrance to the Hog's Head. Even though he tried his best to make out the numbers and arrows it all appeared quite out of focus.

"What's wrong, poopie," slurred Sirius as he put his arm around James. James looked at him strangely. It seemed that once Sirius was drunk he'd hit on anything that moved. Gender seemed to become a rather trivial matter.

"I was trying to find out what time it was."

Sirius squinted at the clock. "It's either 3 o'clock in the morning or afternoon." Suddenly his voice turned husky. "Not that it matters, baby. I party 8 days a week, 24 hours a day or…night."

"Strange, I believe there's only 7 days in a week."

At this Sirius looked slightly puzzled but then he just shrugged, looking at James lustfully. James stared back wondering if he should awaken Sirius from his fantasy world. Suddenly Sirius moved his hand, which was still around James, further down. He squeezed James' nipple area. James jumped out of the booth they were sitting in, feeling violated. But James' distress was not even remotely as bad as Sirius'. "Oh my Fizzing Whizbee! Audra, why did you get your tits removed?" shouted Sirius in utter dismay.

"Sirius, I'm not Audra!"

"Oh. Hi James." He went to sit back down when what just occurred hit him like a bolt of lightening. His face was alit with horror. "I didn't just…Did I?"

"Yes. You did just grab my left nipple."

Sirius made a gagging noise. "This doesn't leave the bar, okay?

"Oh, like I want to tell anyone," replied James sarcastically. "Actually I was going to go around and tell everyone Sirius grabbed my nipple, and for 5 knuts you can too."

"I was just making sure." As he said this he looked around. "I guess I had one to many firewhisky." Their entire booth was filled with dozens of empty bottles. So many that a few had toppled on to the surrounding floor. Sirius' looked over at James, "Should we drink some more?"

"Sure." James didn't even hesitate in his answer. "I may never learn", he thought.

And so they sat back down to drown their thoughts in firewhisky. Not knowing that later in their drunken state they would find themselves in a truly humiliating circumstance.

Meanwhile…

Lily and Audra were at Lily's house in outer London sitting on Lily's bed discussing all manners of things. Lily was just finishing describing Petunia's latest suitor. "…Oh, and when he was here earlier this month for dinner all he could talk about was his father's drilling business."

Audra grinned, "I'd really like to meet this Vernon guy. I have a feeling he'd be fun to play with."

"Are you insane? I don't even believe he has the slightest idea what it is to have a sense of humor. His closest thing to a joke was 'If it's not drilling. It's not a business."

"Where's the pun in that?"

"I don't know! But I can tolerate that better than Petunia's constant gushing. 'Vernon's my hero. He's so handsome. He's Superman.' As she said this Lily made mock gestures of Petunia batting her eyes and she turned to her window to blow kisses at an imaginary Vernon Dursley. "It amazes me that she could ever think that because he looks like an overfed walrus who hasn't had a proper bowel movement in a week." Suddenly Lily shrieked.

Audra looked at Lily worriedly, "This guy really has you worked up. Maybe we should go back to bed. After all it's almost 4:30 in the morning."

Lily just shook her head and pointed a trembling finger out her window before running into her bed and putting a pillow over her head.

Audra ran to get her wand then peered cautiously out the window. The sight made her gape. There, beside a large willow tree, stood James and Sirius dressed in matching pink and yellow tutus. James seemed to be riding an imaginary pony. While Sirius twirled in circles singing "I'm a Pretty Princess." All of a sudden Sirius came to a shaky stop. "OY, Audra! James came here to serenade Lily with a beautiful song." James giggled, a goofy grin on his face, "I did?" Then a look of dawning came upon him, "Oh right I did." Sirius smiled, "Shall we get in our positions." James nodded. Sirius went to face the willow tree, James facing the same way a foot behind Sirius. "Ready?" he called. Then simultaneously they burst into song.

"_Oh baby, baby  
How was I supposed to know  
That something wasn't right here."  
_

Their words were slurred but they seemed to know the lyrics surprisingly well. Audra couldn't help but laugh, "Lily you have to see this!"

"…_Oh baby, baby  
I shouldn't have let you go.  
And now you're out of sight, yeah" _

At this Sirius began to hump the willow tree. James stopped singing for a moment to remind Sirius that that was not part of the dance.

"_Show me how you want it to be  
Tell me baby 'cause I need to know now, oh because."_

At this time they got into a new position. Sirius bent over with James hovering over him.

"_My loneliness is killing me  
I must confess I still believe  
When I'm not with you I lose my mind  
Give me a sign  
Hit me baby one more time"  
_

At this James repeatedly smacked Sirius' ass. Which seemed to make it's own rhythm. Slap, Ow, Slap, Ow…Both of them seemed to rather enjoy themselves.

Finally the song came to a close. Sirius and James each took a curtsy. Audra turned back towards Lily who still had her head under her pillow. As Audra tugged the pillow out of Lily's grasp Lily turned to lie on her back. Tears were streaming down her face and she seemed to be gasping for air. "Lils, are you okay?" Lily started to cry harder, "Okay? I'm great! That was hilarious. I mean it was frightening but hilarious." At this she turned to the window. "Are they still here?" As if to answer her James and Sirius started an off-key rendition of Enrique Iglesias' "Hero." And so it went for the rest of the night.

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I loved this chapter! It was a lot of fun to write. The next chapter will be the one where they finally go to Hogwarts. PLEASE REVIEW. Finally for the 3 people that have reviewed this story so far, Thank you SO much. It gives me such a warm fuzzy feeling in my insides when you do. So, again, please take the time to review. Peace Out.


	6. Chapter 5

Chapter 5:

James moaned. Why in the name of all things holy had his mum turned on his light? He opened his eyes, his vision blurred. As he went to get up he felt something soft lying beside him. He laid his hands upon the object, slowly working his way up. His fingers made out a short dress. Then a mouth, a nose, and eyes. It was a person. Oh fuck, had he slept with some random girl? Whoever it was they were definitely manly in features. His hands had felt rough skin almost like the girl had to shave a beard. 'The worst thing that could happen is that I have slept with a transvestite,' he thought wryly. He waited for his eyesight to return. It only took this long when he had been totally wasted the night before. After waiting a few more minutes he could see. He turned in order to identify his companion. James sighed. It was only Sirius. Then James' eyes widened. It was Sirius in a tutu. He looked down to see himself dressed in an identical one. At that moment Sirius yawned, rubbing his eyes. In a short time he too noticed their unusual choice of dress.

They simultaneously whispered, "not good."

As they looked around they realized they were outside in a muggle community. It looked to be midmorning and a few muggles who were taking an early stroll were casting curious glances at James and Sirius.

At that moment they heard a door slam behind them. To their surprise Audra appeared, a large grin on her face. "Hello lads, lovely morning isn't it?" At this she put on some shades.

Sirius stared at her gaping, "What the bloody hell are you doing here?"

Audra blinked, it dawned upon her that they did not remember a thing from last night. Instead of answering she called for Lily to come out and join her.

"Lils," said Audra slyly, "Sirius and James wanted us to regale them with last night's adventures."

Lily sighed, pretending to wipe away an imaginary tear. "Words cannot describe the magical event that took place last night. I believe that only a demonstration can show the pure beauty of James' and Sirius' sing and dance recital. At this she began to smack Audra's ass repeatedly. "Does this bring back memories?" At this Audra and Lily went into a slightly exaggerated rendition of the songs that James and Sirius had did. At one point they wildly humped the ground and called each other sexy beasts. James and Sirius were now looking at each other a little uncomfortably and slowly increasing the distance between them.

Lily smiled, "Well we'd love to stay and chat but we have a train to catch." With this she put her trunk in her yellow beetle and Audra followed suit.

"Train…" repeated Sirius stupidly.

"Yeah, to Hogwarts." She sighed, "I would like to apparate but my parents aren't comfortable with the idea." At James' and Sirius' dumbstruck look she laughed. "Well bye," with that Lily and Audra left.

James looked at his watch they had a little over an hour before the train left. "Let's get back to my house. Now."

A few minutes later…

James and Sirius were quickly running back and forth in James' room, unceremoniously throwing things into their trunks. Sirius couldn't help but laugh at the situation they had gotten themselves into. It was wild. At this he glanced at James who was muttering "Lily," "embarrassing," and "transvestite" at odd intervals. Every time he bent over to put something in his trunk Sirius got a view of his ass. "James," said Sirius as he put his owl, Fritzi and James' owl, Dory in their separate cages, "I'm sure Lily likes you more now than she did before we did our own version of _Footloose_." Finally, becoming businesslike, he continued, "Besides I don't see why you want to be tied down. This is our last year at Hogwarts. We should be partying with a different girl every night."

James didn't seem to be listening. "Ready to go?"

Once Sirius nodded they both apparated to platform 9 ¾.

It wasn't until Sirius and James hit the concrete of the station and went through the invisible barrier to platform 9 ¾ that they realized that they were receiving catcalls and whistles from fellow Hogwarts students.

James looked at Sirius, "We didn't change our clothes before we left did we?"

"Nope." said Sirius, "Let's just go along with it though." With this, Sirius leapt upon a pile of nearby trunks and motioned for James to do the same. Then with a smile he bowed and he and James did a small jig. As a crowd began to gather James announced, "Prepare to find Filch wearing this tutu in less than a week." At that the crowd cheered. As they jumped down Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew joined them.

"That was lovely," Remus said dryly.

"Thanks," replied Sirius. He didn't seem to be listening and was eyeing the crowd with interest. He tried to act casual as he asked if anyone had seen Audra. Remus and James exchanged significant looks. Both of them knew that Sirius was a player and loved to charm girls into going to bed with him. He always tried to keep things fresh. Sometimes acting like the sweet, sensitive guy, other times acting the popular jock. But despite all of this he always seemed to work his way back to Audra. She was the only girl who seemed to see right through all of his acts and she always made him stop that sort of bullshit. Also she loved to fuck with guys' minds almost as much as Sirius liked to fuck with girls' bodies. With that in common they were quite the match. When nobody offered him an answer Sirius sighed, "Well we might as well find a compartment."

As the four of them made their way to the back of the train looking for an empty compartment Lily stuck her head out of the last compartment on the train that her and Audra had already snagged. "Hey James. Why don't you and everyone else come sit with me and Audra." James looked at her startled. The girl who had hated him since first year was now offering him a seat right next to her? James grinned. This may turn out to be a good year. He looked at Sirius who was obviously thinking the same thing. Both of them ran towards Lily with Remus and Peter trailing behind.

Lily couldn't believe she had just asked James to sit with her. What was she thinking? As if in answer she thought of James holding her hand, kissing her, doing rather dirty things to her. She shook her head. No. She was not going to fall for James Potter. She didn't want to be like all those bimbos she held in such contempt. She wasn't going to be so boy-crazy she'd forget about all her other goals in life. She silently listed them to herself as James brushed up against her to get into the compartment. 1) Help Dumbledore defeat Voldemort and avenge the deaths of many of her friends. 2) Become an Auror. 3) Live in a house with flower boxes below the windows (yes that really was an important priority to her). She was about to continue her mind's list when she caught James staring at her. A faint blush flushed her cheeks. Stop! Don't fall for him. She wanted James to stop staring at her so to break his reverie and hopefully bring back a sense of normalcy to herself she asked him about his plans for Quidditch this year.

James smiled, "Really it's all up to Audra to plan our strategy this year. She is the Captain."

Lily had known this. To Audra Quidditch was as important as breathing. She had been a Chaser on the Gryffindor Team since 2nd year and was by far the best in the school. Lily loved Quidditch too, but more as a spectator than anything else. As she thought this she glanced at Audra who was sitting beside the window with Sirius. Sirius was whispering in her ear, and whatever Audra was hearing she seemed to like it. She was laughing and rubbing Sirius' thigh. Sirius seemed to understand the implication and rose saying he wanted to get something from the snack bar. Audra followed him shortly after saying she had to use the toilet.

James grinned wickedly, "They must really think we're daft."

Remus rolled his eyes. "Who wants to bet that we won't see them again until we reach Hogwarts?" Peter let out a high-pitched giggle. This caused Lily to look at him. She had nothing against Peter. In fact she always felt a little sympathetic towards him. He was a friend with some of the most talented, good-looking boys in the school. It made him look so much worse by comparison. Peter hadn't noticed her staring at him since he was too busy staring at James, a look of utmost admiration on his face. How cute! Lily realized that it had become uncomfortably quiet in here. Looking at James she asked, "Any pranks I should be forewarned about?"

James was silent for a moment. He feared that he was treading on dangerous ground. But as he glanced at Lily he saw nothing but curiosity and openness in her gaze. So he began a detailed description on what he planned to do to Borgus and Filch. Lily laughed at his ideas and came up with a few good one's herself.

James was surprised and it must have shown on his face because Lily asked him what was bothering him.

"I just thought that you hated it when I pulled pranks."

Lily was frowning and she hesitated in her answer, "I don't mind when you pull pranks on Filch or Borgus. They _are_ crabby old geysers and most of the things you do to them are funny and pretty harmless. But…well…when you pick on innocent first years or other students it just always seems…well…cruel and pointless. Like you're showing off."

James looked at Remus and Peter not wanting them to overhear. Remus caught his look and gave an understanding nod. He looked over at Peter, "Come on Peter. Let's go find Audra and Sirius. I'm sure they'd appreciate our company."

Peter made a motion as if to protest but Remus tugged him out of the compartment. "Stop whining. If you're good I might get you a chocolate frog."

Peter squealed, "Really? If I'm super good can I get two?" Remus sighed.

"Please, Remus, Please."

"Oh, alright. But only if you stop treating me like your mother."

Peter whooped for joy (he does make quite a lot of noises) and slammed the door behind him.

James didn't even crack a smile about Peter's childish antics. He couldn't believe that Lily had thought that about his pranks. No wonder she hated him. "Lily…The way you describe them you make me sound like a Death Eater." His eyes became desperate; he needed to make her understand. "I'm not like that at all."

Lily looked at him and reached out to hold his hand and she gave it a reassuring squeeze. "I know."

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Sweet, isn't it? This was my longest chapter yet. It's mainly this long because I felt really guilty that it took me forever to update. I was on vacation and when I came back I was facing some major writer's block. This chapter was just filler. Once we get to Hogwarts the real fun will begin. Please REVIEW! **REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! **How do you like it? I need to know. Peace Out.


	7. Chapter 6

Chapter 6:

James and Lily seemed to have been sitting in their train compartment and holding hands for what felt like hours but were, in reality, only a few minutes. James' mind was having a million thoughts per second but it seemed that the moment he tried to grasp one it scurried away. He felt that the next obvious step was to kiss Lily; he knew at least that that was what he wanted to do. He leaned in slowly, hesitating for a moment. But then he saw Lily close her eyes; her face was calm, hopeful…confident. She wanted to do this too…

"Hello!" said Sirius. He had a large grin on his face and was tugging Audra into the compartment behind him. Audra had the look of a child who got to sit on Santa's lap (not the I-like-to molest-little-kids Santa but the HO-HO-HO Santa) (I just realized that there's not much of a difference). Neither of them seemed to notice that their presence wasn't wanted. They both looked slightly disheveled and Sirius had that spark in his eye that could mean just one thing…sex.

A few seconds after Sirius and Audra had reentered came Remus and Peter. Peter was looking extremely happy. He had gotten three chocolate frogs. Remus stared at Sirius. He took in his messy hair, his t-shirt that was now on backwards, and his…Oh, god. Audra glanced at Remus and noticed his horrified expression. She gazed to where Remus had been looking a moment before.

"Honestly, Sirius, no one wants to see your one-eyed monster! Put it back in the cage!"

Sirius immediately looked down, "Oopsy-daisy."

He quickly zipped up his pants but not before Peter managed to take a peek. However, unlike Remus, Peter was not disgusted by the sight but rather aroused…He slid open the door and took off.

Sirius was startled. "Honestly, it wasn't that bad. All guys have them."

James shook himself out of his stupor. He should partake of the conversation before someone noticed his uncharacteristic silence. He forced a smile, "I think Peter just took off to get Audra a laxative. She was in the bathroom so long everyone was becoming concerned."

Audra sighed, "James you just don't understand _feminine_ problems."

Sirius, James, and Remus all groaned. James had a look of genuine horror on his face, "I don't want to know. Never mind. Don't tell me."

As they started a new direction of conversation the train came to a halt. Lily looked around. None of them had dressed into their robes yet. Obviously, everyone else was just realizing that too. In a flurry of clothing everyone began to dress. Clothes were flying all over the place. Every one so concerned about getting off the train in time that they didn't take a glimpse of each other in their underwear. Particularly speaking of James and Lily.

While they were getting dressed Head Girl Midge Grundy appeared in the doorway. "What the hell are you doing in here for Merlin's sake?"

Sirius looked exasperated, "Midge did you skip your sex education classes? We're having an orgy."

Midge blushed bright red. This made her look remarkably like a licorice stick. For she had red hair with flecks of brown and a twiggy form. Not to mention the sunburn she obviously got during summer vacation. She recovered fairly quickly and with her doe brown eyes flashing she replied, "Don't give me that sort of bullshit Sirius Black. You were to be off this train 10 minutes ago."

She breathed deeply and then looked at James, "Hi James. I hope you had a nice summer."

James smiled uncertainly, "Yeah, great."

"Excellent." Then Midge turned to Remus, "I'll see you on our rounds." And with a wave to James she left.

"Could she be anymore obvious?" said Lily looking annoyed.

Audra looked at Lily strangely. Lily couldn't believe _she_ was being that obvious. Why was she acting so jealous? No one else seemed to have noticed though and they left, now having to walk to Hogwarts since the horseless carriages had already gone.

As they entered the Great Hall Audra sighed in relief. "I figured Borgus would be waiting for us. Thank Merlin he's not. The more I see him the more I feel the urge to commit suicide." James snickered.

Audra was spurred on. "The next time I see him I'm just going to tell him to go to hell…o Professor Borgus."

Isidore Borgus was the Potions Professor at Hogwarts. He always seemed to reek of potion ingredients and had long, greasy black hair parted down the middle and cold, emotionless gray eyes. At that moment his face was filled with triumph. He smiled, "I believe that the Headmaster would like to see you after the feast." The fact that Borgus was happy proved that this wasn't going to be a 'How's-your-Mother?' conversation with Dumbledore.

He turned to leave but then seemed to reconsider something and with eyes that glittered with malice and animosity he looked at Audra, "Is there anything you'd like to tell me Brooks?"

Audra swallowed and then with a look of defiance she replied, "Yes, I' just like you to know that you're a-"

Remus had quickly covered Audra's mouth with his hand and immediately took up the conversation, "-a kind, intelligent professor that she would like to get to know more."

Sirius then said with mock tribulation, "Sadly though she cannot get to know you as she wishes because that is not an appropriate relationship to have with one's professor. So it has become a broken dream of Audra's…and if I may say so one of mine as well."

James choked on a laugh and quickly turned it into a coughing fit. Borgus looked like he had had a poker shoved up his ass and he wasn't quite sure how it had gotten there. He had obviously expected something other than a sexual innuendo. "Black, detention in my office tomorrow at 7:00 o'clock and 20 points from Gryffindor." He then left to return to the staff table.

Audra bit Remus' hand, which had been upon her mouth. She turned towards him. "Why did you stop me?"

"I was trying to save you from detention. Now, thanks to me, that fate is to be lived by Sirius." Remus looked like someone who was admitting defeat. "I give up on all of you. I obviously can't keep you from getting in trouble."

James put an arm around Remus. "You say that every year."

Remus mumbled, "Your nickname shouldn't be Prongs it should be Prick."

"Ah, you're just hungry Moony. Let's get something to eat so you stop feeling unappreciated."

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Right…So…Pretty uneventful chapter. I just had to get them into Hogwarts. I have an idea of where this story is going but sometimes I have trouble deciding how to string all of my ideas together. Any suggestions that you may have would be totally appreciated. I am going to start answering any reviews I have at the end of the chapters. So feel free to **REVIEW** at any time. startling sob- please review-sniffle Sorry about that. Anyway I've been meaning to mention this for a while now. If you like this story you should read a comrade of mine's story. It's called Shocking Revelations and Uncertainties. It's rated T and is a Humor for the coupling of Draco and Hermione. I must admit that it is quite funnier than my story and you'd love it. It's by Fiji-hopper and she likes, nay loves, reviews. So go ahead and check it out and give her a review. Finally, if you are like me and lacking friends that enjoy discussing Harry Potter please feel free to e-mail me. I've been dieing to discuss my views with other people, and who better than my dear readers. So if you are to e-mail me don't be afraid if I start to rant and rave. I don't want to ruin it for those who haven't read it yet but let's just say that by the end I was absolutely bawling. I mean it. Not just a little trickle of tears but actual sobs that shook my entire body. My family thought I was totally insane. Peace Out.


	8. Chapter 7

Chapter 7:

After the delicious feast Sirius, James, Remus, Peter, Lily, and Audra all went to Dumbledore's office. They were escorted by Filch who was, as usual, discussing different forms of torture he could execute on the group. "…I could make you wear tight spandex and bend over while you scrub the floor with a toothbrush. I'd make sure that the floor was dirty, so that you'd get all sweaty and your shirt would start sticking to your chest. Than we'll…"

Everyone started to look at each other worriedly. Filch's voice had become quiet and excited. He had obviously put a lot of thought into this. Filch began to turn a slight shade of pink, he'd let out too much. He quickly relayed the password (lemon drops) to the stone gargoyle and left. But not before everyone heard him humming a song that sounded a lot like "My Girl." He must have had an exciting night planned for him and his cat, Mrs. Norris (for those who have yet to catch on I mean exciting in a sexual way).

Peter, Remus, and Lily were the only one's who seemed nervous to be in the Headmaster's office. The others were so relaxed that they gave the impression that they had been in here many a time (which they had). Dumbledore was behind his desk a benign smile on his face. "Mr. Potter, Mr. Black, I believe you have broken a new record. Usually I am allowed at least a day before a student is brought to my office for disciplinary reasons. But you have showed in the past 6 years that you are more than capable of stretching these limits."

At this Sirius and James smiled broadly. They were obviously quite proud of their law-breaking rendezvous. Dumbledore continued, "I believe that you should be duly rewarded, as shall your friends, we do not want to leave them out." Sirius' and James' smiles faltered. There was most definitely a catch.

"As you know we have to plan for the upcoming 7th year dance. Usually I would ask for volunteers for the coveted positions but it seems that you and your friends most deserve to be the committee."

No one even bothered to stifle their groans. Dumbledore chuckled. It was a well known fact that being on the committee was not only boring but a guarantee that you'd have to spend extra time in the classroom with teachers to get all of the plans okayed. Most of the plans, therefore, had to be boring and conservative to be passed by all of the Heads of House. This meant prolonged contact with Borgus, Head of Slytherin House, which usually was to be avoided at all costs.

"Since it will take place in exactly 2 months I'd suggest that you start thinking of ideas for the theme right away." Dumbledore than added a little mischievously, "Professor Borgus will be heading all official meetings and checking you progress. I am sure he is looking forward to the experience."

Audra was gaping. How had this situation gone from bad to worse so quickly? "Professor, I don't know about everyone else but it is totally okay with me if Sirius and James have this 'treat' all to themselves. I wouldn't want them to share their glory unnecessarily."

Dumbledore's smile grew larger. "No, no. It is my wish that you all participate."

Sirius nodded, and muttered something along the lines of 'traitor' as he glanced at Audra.

With that Dumbledore bade them good night and they all trudged out of the office to go back to their dormitories.

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Sorry that it is such a short chapter. I'll update soon. The next chapter is their first day of classes and…things happen. Don't want to give anything away. Finally, I'd like to thank all 13 people who have reviewed so far. I actually should say 12 because I went through a dry spell of reviews and was feeling pretty down so I reviewed myself under my name, PolythenePam80. I was just wondering if anyone caught that. Yeah, I had had a pretty depressing day (I found out that my cousin has cancer) so… But I love everyone who reviewed. It's totally appreciated. Most of you just wrote in and told me that you thought that the story was funny so I won't answer them separately for that I'll just give you a HUGE **THANK YOU**! The support is great. So keep reviewing. I **won't **think you stalker-like if you review more than once. In fact I'd really like it. God, I must appear like a really needy author. lol Sorry! Finally, I already have an idea on what the theme will be for the 7th year dance, but if you have any ideas that you'd like to share feel free to do so. I'm not sure whether or not you feel this story is going to slow. Let me know. Peace Out.


	9. Chapter 8

Chapter 8:

Audra and Lily made there way up to the girl's dorm room that they shared with Alice Gables and Midge Grundy. Lily knocked on the door. When no one answered she walked in and quickly plopped on her bed. Audra followed her quickly, locking the door behind her, and sitting next to Lily.

Audra looked directly into Lily's eyes, "Well?"

"Well what?"

"What do you mean what?"

Lily knew that Audra was alluding to James but she really didn't want to get into it. She didn't even know what was going on with him. How was she supposed to explain it to someone else? "Audra, usually when one uses the word _what_ it is due to a lack of understanding about something an earlier person has said or done."

"Ok…Allow me to be more direct…_What_ did you do with James while you two were alone?"

"Nothing."

Audra gave a rather unladylike snort. "Nothing? Yes that would explain the look you had when Midge was flirting with James."

"I only had a look of total indifference."

"No. You looked like someone was fiercely yanking your monkey. A monkey you have claimed ownership of. A boyfriend monkey."

"A boyfriend monkey!" Lily spluttered. "No he's just a monkey."

"No he's a boyfriend monkey."

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is…Wait a second…Why am I arguing this? A boyfriend monkey? What the hell is that?"

"Exactly what I said, a boyfriend monkey. Now stop dwelling on the wrong parts. I need to know what was going on even if it wasn't physical." Audra started to pout, "Aren't I your best friend? It's an unwritten rule that you cannot keep anything from your best friend."

Lily sighed in resignation, "Ok…" She told Audra everything, not leaving anything out. "…Then we went to kiss when you and Sirius popped in."

Audra jumped up on the bed doing the most frightening victory jig. Lily was quite certain that her friend was having a seizure and was going to stop her when Audra collapsed suddenly. "So…the only reason you didn't kiss is because Sirius and I came in…Why didn't you give me some sort of signal?"

"Like…"

"You could have said 'Audra leave.'"

"Oh that would have been subtle," replied Lily sarcastically.

Audra ignored her, "What are you going to do?"

Lily worriedly ran her fingers through her hair. "I don't know, I just don't know…"

Meanwhile…

James lay in his bed, listening to the noises of the animals from the Forbidden Forest that came through his open window mix with those of the snores of Sirius, Remus, and Peter. He wished he could fall asleep but thoughts of Lily kept crossing his mind leaving him nervous and restless. He knew he had never felt this way about a girl before and that for the first time it looked like Lily shared some of his feelings. He sighed.

He threw a pillow at Sirius. Sirius just turned over on his side, mumbling in his sleep, "…Minerva …don't touch me there…ah…well if you insist…in the dungeons…bondage isn't really my thing…of course-if you want…wow…you are raunchy." James was disgusted, and even more so when Sirius began to make noises. It was now necessary to wake him up.

"Sirius!" he shouted, the sounds continued. James tried to block out the now outright shouts with his pillow "Must become deaf." He jumped from the top bunk, vigorously shaking Sirius. Sirius jumped up "Wh-wh-at?"

"I really hope you weren't having sex with McGonagall in your dream."

Sirius shook his head. "No, it was Flitwick. Minerva is a pet name for him. You wouldn't understand."

"You're not funny."

At this Sirius snapped. It had just hit him that James had disturbed his sleep. "Well excuse me. I didn't know you woke me up in the middle of the night because you were in dire need of a joke."

"No I'm sorry. I need advice."

He had told Sirius that he and Lily had sort of patched things up between them but he hadn't mentioned that they almost kissed. He now finished the story.

Sirius gaped at him for a moment before whistling wolfishly. "James it's obvious what you need to do."

"What?"

Sirius shook his head sympathetically. "James, James, James, James, James."

"Yes, that is my name."

"You most follow the Sirius Black motto."

"Which is…"

"Woo her then do her."

"_What?"_

"Charm her then harm her."

"WHAT?"

"Make out then take it out."

"_**WHAT?"**_

"I'm talking about sex you daft ass."

"I know but…I want more."

"More? MORE? There isn't anymore that's it. That's the best."

"I want a future with her."

"A future? I don't do that sort of relationship. Ask someone else."

"Thanks for your help, Mr. Sensitive."

"Don't talk about sensitivity. You woke me up to ask some unsex-related question."

"Well…night."

"Night."

James sighed. He needed to get a new best friend. As if Sirius was reading his mind he whacked James hard with a pillow. James grinned, "What? I was kidding."

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Hello! Whoa it's late at night and I drank too much Diet Coke! Well, hope you liked it. Now it's time to REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW.

**Important Notice Below**

**From the beginning I have absolutely hated my story title so I am switching it from James' and Lily's Excellent Adventure to Gay Bears, Pink Mirrors, and Nice Rears. He, he (mirrors and rears rhyme). So look under that title from now on. Thanks. Peace out. **


	10. Chapter 9

Chapter 9:

The first week of classes had gone by rather smoothly save for a small incident in Transfiguration where Sirius had alluded to his sex dream with McGonagall which caused her to turn an unattractive shade of maroon and 'return the pleasure' by giving Sirius two months worth of detention.

But it wasn't Sirius' out-of-control sex fantasies that were causing the 7th year dance committee panic attacks while they ate dinner. The six of them were to go to Borgus' office to discuss the possible themes for the 7th year dance. However since no one had given a thought to a creative theme idea they were now thoroughly screwed.

"We can dress as famous witches and wizards," said Remus unenthusiastically.

"No," said Lily, "It's been done before." Lily groaned. "Come on guys. Really try here."

Sirius had been quiet up to this point, eating like it was his last meal. But at Lily's pleads he had stopped midfork and said solemnly, "We can all go naked."

Audra laughed. "Yeah, Borgus would really love that idea."

Sirius grinned and said, "Don't tell me that that wouldn't make dancing a totally new experience." He began to do the funky chicken forgetting that he was holding a fork with pumpkin pie on it that hit a very menacing looking fifth year Hufflepuff girl squarely in the face. Sirius hastily pointed at James as the girl stared him down.

Before staring came to blows right in the Great Hall Lily turned around and told the girl that Sirius would be free in an hour in which she could beat on him as long as she wants. With that, dessert disappeared and people began to return to their dormitories. Lily, James, Sirius, Audra, Remus, and Peter began their death march towards Borgus' office.

Borgus' office was in the dungeons and was as cold, dark, and smelly as Borgus himself. As they entered another student left. Lily looked up to see it was Severus Snape. Snape looked like he could be Borgus' illegitimate child. Snape stared at Lily and she knew perfectly well that if James had not been there he would have been more than willing to call her a filthy mudblood. She sighed…'Wait a second, mudblood…muggle…I've got it!'

She sported a brilliant smile that Snape believed was directed towards him. This caused great astonishment, which caused him to run into the wall. (Ouch, Sevvy, too bad, too bad).

Borgus slammed the door shut behind them in a cruel, foul way. He turned to the six of them, a sneer upon his scarred visage, "So…what have you twiddle-twats…you daft, dumb, and pathetic beings of humanity thought of…you-"

"Yes, we get it," said James impatiently.

Borgus began to throttle James to everyone's immense entertainment when Dumbledore appeared at the door. "Hello," he said cheerily, "Isidore, I am sure you have just saved Mr. Potter from a nasty fall by catching him by the neck. However, in your relief of not losing a beloved pupil you have kept a rather strong grip on his arteries that bring oxygen to his brain. Hopefully you will let go now so no permanent damage will be down."

Borgus reluctantly let go. "Headmaster to what do I owe this-pleasant surpise-that is your presence?"

"Oh, I was just curious to how things were progressing. Has a theme been chosen?"

Everyone but Lily began to shuffle their feet with many 'ers' and 'ums'.

"Ms. Evans, you have a suggestion?"

"Yes sir. I believe that due to, well, present circumstances, I mean Lord Voldemort and all the muggle killings that it would be a great idea to have a muggle themed dance. As a sort of way to say we can't be broken."

Dumbledore smiled broadly, "Ms. Evans that is an excellent idea." Borgus made a violent motion as if to object but was silenced by a look by Dumbledore.

Lily continued, "I mean there are so many muggleborns here so purebloods can get all the help they need on proper prom garments-"

"Prom?" asked Sirius blankly.

"It's a muggle dance. Anyway, we can even magically transform our dress robes into regular dresses and suits."

Dumbledore looked at everyone, "All in favor say aye?"

"Aye."

"Well, then, meeting adjourned. Good Luck. Here have a lemon drop." Dumbledore handed out a lemon drop to everyone like he was bestowing them with the greatest gift on earth.

They thanked him and walked out the door. Sirius squinted at the small yellow ball in his hand. "Do you think if I eat this I'll become more like Dumbledore?"

"We can only hope," Remus said.

Sirius looked uncertain. "I mean it'd be great to have Dumbledore's brains and shit but when do you think was the last time the guy got laid?"

"Hey Sirius, next time you have a thought just let it go. Don't keep it in. You shouldn't contain yourself like you do." said James sarcastically.

"I'll try James."

"Fuck. Control yourself. This is Dumbledore we're talking about you don't think of him and sex ever. Not even in the same sentence. It's not allowed."

Everyone looked at Sirius with disgust for he had now planted an, er, 'uncomfortable' question in their mind.

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Sorry it's taken me so long to update but with school starting and getting **NO** reviews for the longest time sort of made me forget about the story. Now if you want me to update sooner I need reviews because they're inspiring. Get cracking. **REVIEW!** Peace out.


	11. Chapter 10

Chapter 10:

James stepped onto the Quidditch field. The members of the Gryffindor team had been chosen, and this was to be their first official practice. He had arrived early, in the hope of having time to clear his head. James had been on tenterhooks since the theme for the dance had been announced last week. He really wanted to ask Lily but he wanted to make sure that when he did there would be a possible chance of her saying yes. So he was trying his best to act charming. However, today there was a rumor going about that the captain of the Ravenclaw Quidditch team, Rory Davis, had asked Lily and she had said yes. In summary: that sucked for James.

He saw someone walking his way in the distance. James swore, "Fuck! Like it hasn't been a shitty day as it is!"

It was Midge Grundy. She had been hounding James all week to ask her to the dance. Sometimes dropping none too subtle hints. James had managed to dodge her but it looked like his luck had finally run out.

Midge ran up to him smiling triumphantly, "Finally, we're alone."

James covered his face, "Merlins no."

"James, I feel like you are avoiding me. I mean, I'm sure you don't _mean_ to," she said this menacingly, daring James to even think of contradicting her, "but I think you are all the same. Maybe you're afraid of rejection but you don't need to worry about that James. I won't hurt you." She had begun cooing by now and had reached up to stroke James' face.

James pushed her hand away. Now he was a wee bit upset. Why can't this woman get a grip?

"Listen, Midge. No offense but I'd rather have a threesome with Borgus and Filch than go to a dance with you. So…Piss off."

Obviously saying James was only 'a wee bit upset' was an understatement. He was livid and, most likely, insane. Why else would he say that he'd ever want to fornicate with two men 25 years his senior who, putting it nicely, make you want to gouge out your eyeballs after looking at them and commit suicide with a butter knife?

Midge stared daggers, more like atomic bombs, at James before bursting out in hysterics. After a few minutes, in which James began to feel slightly guilty (emphasis on slightly), she hiccupped, "F-fine, J-a-ames, if you want to ma-a-ke love with two fi-filthy old men then you're wi-ish is m-m-y c- command."

At this Midge sprinted back to the castle. James stared moodily after her. "Wish is my command. What the fuck did she mean by that? Bloody bonkers, she is."

It is a common fact that when one begins to talk like Yoda something is seriously wrong. Because only Yoda can speak like Yoda without sounding like a complete and utter moron. So it is important that we are now concerned for James' mental condition.

At this moment Audra came up to the Quidditch field with equipment in hand.

"Lovely day, isn't it? Gray, cloudy skies, chilly to the point of frostbite, a slight drizzle." Audra looked cheerfully up at James.

"James, why aren't you laughing? I'm your captain, your superior. It is mandatory you laugh at my jokes, corny or otherwise."

James stared at her solemnly. "A good day, it is not. A day of sorrow, heartbreak, and regret, it is. Midge, I want to kill. I-"

"Stop!" Audra was covering her ears. "Speak Yoda now, I shall. Contagious, it is. Idiots, we sound like." Audra seemed to be wrestling with herself. Her jaw was twitching uncontrollably.

After a minute she returned to normal. "You twit! You dumbass! Never, **NEVER** speak like Yoda it is addictive and makes you sound like a moron. Merlin, that is an unwritten rule. Know that, does everyone. AHHHH!" Audra covered her mouth.

"Thanks a lot James."

"Sorry, I am. Oops! I mean, I am sorry!"

"Yeah, okay Luke."

By the time this mini-drama had ended the whole Gryffindor team had assembled. Audra looked over all the players, glowing with pride. There was James at Seeker. Then twins Zora and Zia Tripe, and herself as Chasers. Tobit Frederick and Fiona Grimweld played Beaters, and Danielle Hirty at Keeper. Overall, this was the greatest team that Gryffindor, nay Hogwarts, had seen in a long time.

"Er, Audra," said an uncomfortable looking Tobit, "can you stop staring at us and possibly say something?"

Audra grinned. "I feel like you're my children. Ah, come here babies; time for a group hug."

"This is what happens when you have a girl as captain," mumbled Tobit to James.

"Hey shut up Tobit! Remember you are the minority here. Only you and James," said Zia wickedly.

James and Tobit looked at each other. "Oh God."

As everybody got into his or her positions to scrimmage James finally felt at peace. He soared up into the clouds. Closing his eyes as he felt cool precipitation hit his face. "Ah, this is great," thought James.

Then suddenly…**SMACK**!

"OWW!" James opened his eyes. A bird had hit him right in the face.

James flew back to the ground. Audra looked at him, "What the fuck did you do to yourself?"

"Er…A bird hit me."

Audra looked at him strangely, "You can dodge a god damn Bludger going at a neck breaking speed! But you can't swerve a fucking bird?"

"Hey, it was small."

"It still managed to break your nose. Better get patched up in the hospital wing." Audra looked at him with disgust.

"Well, if you'd like me to continue-"

"No, no. I just hate for you to miss a practice," she sighed. "Go now before I change my mind."

James took off towards the castle. As he entered the hospital wing he saw Lily guiding a sobbing first year to Madame Pomfrey. She didn't notice James right away as she was encouraging the child to swallow a vomit-colored potion.

Once the child had gulped the potion and was led away by Madame Pomfrey to a bed Lily turned towards James.

"James, what-what happened to your face?"

"Ah, yes. The question of the day. Well, I got in a fight with a giant who was sexually harassing Professor McGonagall."

Lily laughed. "It sounds horrible."

"Oh, it was. To think that giant was so desperate he was willing to screw McGonagall…It sends shivers down my spine."

"No, really. What happened?"

"No, I can't tell you. It would ruin my image."

"Weren't you at Quidditch practice?"

"Um, yeah."

"Did Audra hit you because you didn't catch the Snitch in an astounding millisecond."

"No. I…I …I got hit by bird. Alright?"

Lily collapsed in a fit of laughter. "A bird?"

"Yes. A damn sparrow ran into my damn face." James smiled. "Thanks for being so sympathetic."

Lily hiccupped before it became uncomfortably quiet.

"So, um, Lily. I hope you have a good time at the dance with Rory." James looked at the ceiling as he said this. But he just had to know.

Lily blushed. "Oh, well thanks, but I'm not going with Rory."

"You're not?" James felt like he was floating on air.

"No. He asked but I turned him down."

"Oh."

"Yeah…Well I better go now. I hope your face feels better." Lily picked up her backpack and turned to go.

James grabbed her arm. "Lily?"

"Yes?" She was looking deeply into his eyes and James couldn't breathe for a moment.

James looked back into her eyes, drowning in a sea of green. "Would you like to go to the dance with me?"

Lily beamed, "I'd love to." And without considering that James' face was covered in blood, as was the front of his robes she bent on tiptoe to kiss him. James wrapped his arms around Lily and deepened the kiss. They both felt they'd never be able to let go. James moved his lips from hers, down to her neck when…

"U-u-um." Lily and James turned to see a stern looking Madame Pomfrey clearing her throat with vigor.

She stared at the both of them. "Mr. Potter would you like to detach yourself from Ms. Evans long enough for me to heal your nose."

James grinned wickedly before pecking Lily on the cheek. "See you later."

Lily walked out of the hospital wing with a bright smile on her face. Not realizing that many people were staring at her with a mix of curiosity and horror. She'd forgotten to clean off the blood on her robes and face. Yet to everyone's surprise she still looked like the Easter Bunny on a high.

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Hey. I am so **SORRY** for not updating sooner! I feel like such an ass. Especially after the 10 or so reviews I received. For all those people whom did review thank you so much. Keep it up. So tell me what you think about this chapter. Thanx again. Time to **REVIEW**. Peace Out 


	12. Chapter 11

Chapter 11:

Lily and James slowly walked to breakfast together. It had been two weeks since that miraculous kiss and the dance was to be held tomorrow. But at that moment the most important thing was the Quidditch match between Slytherin and Gryffindor that was being held today.

Lily stole a quick glance at James. He didn't seem at all nervous. 'Of course,' thought Lily, 'He has no reason to be.' Lily smiled and squeezed James hand. James looked at her and then, with a smirk, pulled Lily into a small nook. A brief session of making out was in order. Lily laughed as James stuck his hand up her robe. Before things could become even more heated they heard a strangled yell from the main entrance to the Great Hall. James sighed, "Always a fucking interruption."

Lily was disappointed as well. James _was_ a great kisser. "Let's see what the commotion's about."

They were just in time to see a shouting match between Audra and Sirius escalate. Audra was advancing Sirius with a dangerous gleam in her eye, "Why you slimy git! You cock-sucking idiot! You bastard! I hope 'Junior' falls off while you're taking a piss and you never have sex again!"

Sirius gasped and convulsively grabbed himself. Once he was reassured that everything was in order he shouted, "I can't believe you said that!" Then gathering steam he continued, "I wish Gryffindor loses the match today and you fall off your broom and land on-on Filch's fat ass!"

"Oh, because that's so likely!" said Audra sarcastically.

Sirius stormed into the Great Hall. Audra paused for a moment before running after him. She reached him just before he sat at the Gryffindor table. "What the hell could you want now?"

Audra's nostrils flared. "I just wanted you to know that I am most definitely NOT going to the dance with you. It's SO over!"

Sirius glared at her. "Well whoopity-fucking-do! It's not like I'll have a hard time replacing you!"

Audra stalked off. It didn't seem that either of them had noticed that the Great Hall, which was full of practically every student and faculty member, had become eerily quiet. Everyone had heard their "lovely" exchange. As Audra slammed the door a hushed whisper rose from the students. Some openly pointing at Sirius while filling in friends who had just arrived on the turn of events. Sirius, upon seeing a little 1st year Hufflepuff pointing at him, lost it and told the room in general to 'FUCK OFF!' before storming out of the Great Hall. He returned shortly after, mumbling about a delicious peach cobbler. Once he had put several helpings on a plate he again left the Great Hall slamming the door with such vigor that it simply bounced open again. James and Lily, who had followed Audra and Sirius unnoticed, both bounded after their best friends. Remus and Peter who had already began eating breakfast simply continued. Both relieved that they didn't have to see Sirius pig out, which was usually so disgusting it caused everyone a loss of appetite.

Lily found her friend in their dormitory writing with an energy that Lily did not know she possessed. "What are you writing there?"

"Nothing," snapped Audra.

"Hey. There's no need to bite my head off."

After receiving no answer from Audra Lily decided to tread on dangerous ground. "So…why did you break it off with Sirius?"

Audra hissed at the name. "Because I hate him. I hate the way he breathes, the way he walks, everything!"

Audra jumped on to her bed and punched her pillow as if it held Sirius within its fluffy interior. "I'm so sick of him! Sometimes when he talks I just want to plug my ears and scream 'La-La-La-La-La!'

Lily tried her best not to laugh. "Listen, Audra. Couldn't it be possible that you and Sirius have spent so much time together these last two months that you may just need a little space?"

"Maybe," said Audra cautiously.

"I mean it doesn't seem like you two broke up for any specific reason. Possibly, it could be that in a week or so you'll remember each others good qualities and want to get back together."

Audra held up her hand, "Whoa now. It's most definitely going to take longer than a week. Look at what we just said to each other a few minutes ago."

Lily giggled. "Make that a month then."

Audra looked thoughtfully at Lily and then crumpled up the paper she had been writing. "I guess you could be right about Sirius." Then she grinned. "Did I make a total ass out of myself back there?"

Lily went to sit next to Audra, "A little. But don't worry Sirius made himself out to be a bigger one."

Audra laughed. "Good." She laid her head on Lily's shoulder. "I didn't even notice all those people watching us."

"Well, you were pretty busy cursing Sirius' dick off. But at least you didn't commit treason."

"How'd Sirius commit treason?"

"I can't believe you don't remember! Sirius said he'd be rooting for Slytherin at today's match. I'm sure that pissed off a lot of Gryffindors."

Audra's eyes widened. She quickly jumped off her bed. "How could I forget?"

"Forget what?"

"Quidditch!"

With that Audra took off towards the Quidditch field.

At the same time that Lily spoke with Audra, James was trying to talk sense into an insane Sirius…

"Sirius did you hear a word I just said?" asked James, exasperated by his friend's lack of listening skills.

In obvious answer to James' question, Sirius simply continued to work on the project set out before him. He had been doing this since he had gotten back from the Great Hall fiasco. This being vigorously turning himself into a Slytherin Super-fan. He had already decked himself out in black and green, going so far as to write "Slytherin's my Homeboy!" on the back of his robes. Now he was working on a sign to hold up during the game.

James had been trying to talk his best friend out of social suicide. The school would not be very forgiving if Sirius showed up at the match prepared to kiss Slytherin ass. However, Sirius seemed oblivious to everything except his revenge on Audra.

James tried again, "Oh come on mate. You shouldn't let her get to you."

At this Sirius looked up. "James, at this very moment she could be making a potion that will dethrone my crown jewels! Wouldn't _that_ get to you?"

James moved uncomfortably, "Sirius I'm pretty sure she wouldn't-"

"Aha," Sirius pointed at him victoriously, "even you're not positive-"

"Okay, wait, that was the wrong choice of words. I am positive she wouldn't do that. She just said it to piss you off. It may have been a bit harsh but-"

"Harsh! HARSH! That was outright cruelty that was."

"Sirius, that's not-"

Before James could continue there was a knock on their dorm door. James opened it to find Midge Grundy outside holding some breakfast.

James couldn't believe the nerve of that girl. "Listen, Midge, this isn't a great time. Could you-"

Midge smiled serenely, she seemed to have forgiven James for being rude to her when she had asked him to the dance. "I saw that you left without eating breakfast so I brought some up for you."

"Oh, er, thanks." James took the tray. "Well, um, bye." He shut the door before Midge could invite herself in.

At the smell of food Sirius became slightly more attentive to James. James had forgotten what he meant to say to Sirius and more to have time to think than because of real thirst he chugged down the juice Midge had given him. "So…"

Again there came another knock on the door. James cursed, "Midge did you come to bring me fucking lunch too?"

When he opened the door he found Audra standing there out of breathe. "James, we have to go down to the Quidditch field **NOW**!"

"One second."

"Make it snappy. I'm heading down without you."

"Yeah okay."

James shut the door and turned back to Sirius who had put the finishing touches to his sign and was preparing to leave. Sirius looked at James and muttered a good bye before James could utter a single protest. James sighed no one could say he didn't try to get Sirius to stop. He sat down upon his bed and put his head in his hands. Why did he suddenly feel so fucking sick?

Meanwhile:

Audra was pacing on the Quidditch field, "Where the hell is James?" she snapped to the others on the Gryffindor team. No one volunteered an answer. Audra glanced at Madame Hooch, the Quidditch referee, who tapped her watch when she saw Audra looking at her. Hooch had said that if James didn't appear in two minutes they'd have to play without him. Audra continued to pace, "If he shows up I'll kill him!" She paused to consider what she said. "I'll let him play and then I'll kill him!"

Suddenly, the Slytherin fans began to cheer and jeer. Audra turned towards the crowd to see Sirius slowly making his way towards the Slytherin seating area with Lily and Remus running after him. By the looks on their faces they were arguing with him. Many of the Slytherins began to laugh at the gaping looks that the rest of the school were wearing. Audra was furious, but before she could let out her anger on the nearest innocent bystander she caught the sight of two figures walking towards the field in the distance. As they neared she recognized one to be James and the other person was…**ARGUS FILCH!**

James reached the field and gave a cheery hello to Audra. Filch was at his side and the two of them were holding hands. Audra was near hysterics. "What-What-What-"

"Yes, Audra?" said James with perfect calm.

Audra really wanted to ask why James was looking at Filch like they had just fucked but she decided to ask another pressing question, "Why the hell are you wearing that?"

James was dressed in…(shall I say it?) a pink and yellow tutu.

"Well, me and Gigi wanted to match and I found these in my dresser so…"

"Gigi? Wait, I don't want to know. Just get dressed in your Quidditch robes."

Madame Hooch had approached by now and had heard Audra's last comment. "There's no time. He'll have to wear it during the game."

James smiled, "Thanks, Hutchie Mama."

Then James turned to Filch, "Bye Gigi." They then gave each other air kisses and rubbed their tutu-clad bottoms together.

Audra suddenly felt the need to vomit. This urge was increased when she got in place to start the game and saw Sirius holding up a sign that said in neon green letters, "AUDRA SUCKS BALLS!"

Madame Hooch blew her whistle and the game began. Zia had the Quaffle and was heading towards the Slytherin goal posts. Audra zoomed towards her but was distracted when she saw James hovering over the crowd and blowing kisses to Filch. "JAMES," she shouted, "get in the game!" James nodded and flew into the center of the field. However, it soon became obvious that it wasn't in pursuit of the Snitch but an opportunity to spin, twirl, and pose on his broom to Filch's exuberant applause. Before Audra could yell another admonishment Zia had lost the Quaffle to Herfbrunner, a burly Chaser on Slytherin's team, who had flown it to the Gryffindor goal posts and scored on Danielle. At this there came a loud cheer from the Slytherins and Sirius turned his sign around to show a slithering snake making it's way around the phrase, "GO SLYTHERIN GO!" Audra screamed for a time out, and flew to the ground with such force that there came a gasp from the crowd, who probably thought she was attempting suicide.

"What in the name of Merlin is going on around here?" Audra's face was bypassing red and hitting purple.

Danielle was close to tears. "I'm so sorry Audra I-"

"Danielle you did all you could." At this Audra turned to James, "Did Filch give you anything to drink today?"

"No. But if we win Gigi said he was going to treat me to some oak-matured mead." After James made this statement he went over to 'Gigi' to get a little 'good luck.'

Audra sighed. "I'm guessing that Sirius gave James a love potion." The team gasped at this accusation.

Zora looked at the fan stands to where Sirius was doing an extremely irritating victory dance. "What are we going to do without James?"

"We're going to lose." Audra said this with the utmost defeat. "I'm not playing that well myself, what with Sirius displaying his true colors." Audra paused for a moment as if contemplating killing Sirius. "Well, hands in, and, well, try your best."

And so the game continued until Humphrey, Slytherin's Seeker, caught the Snitch making the end score to be 350-40. The game was filled with humiliation after humiliation for Gryffindor causing many fans to leave in tears. However, the most embarrassing moment occurred when Sirius, doing his best to sabotage Gryffindor's chances of a closer loss, called out to Audra when she had the Quaffle. Audra turned her head to catch Sirius giving her the full moon. In great shock she spent a second too long looking at Sirius' pearly ass and got hit by a Bludger causing her to fall off her broom. Ironically, Filch was on the field shouting out a love sonnet to James and Audra managed to land on him, softening her blow, but causing her humiliation to increase. It seemed Sirius' wish had come true.

After the game Audra went on a rampage. Lily hurried after. "Look, Aud, it could be worse."

"Oh, How's that?"

"At least there wasn't an announcer, since its usually Sirius' job."

Audra stared. "Well, look how fucking lucky I am. My seeker turns gay and by ex-boyfriend turns traitor but at least the fans only saw that embarrassment and didn't have to hear it too." Audra paused, "Did you note that sarcasm?"

"I got a hint of it." Lily grinned, "I have to admit seeing James act like that was hilarious though."

"Yes, my sides hurt from laughing," she replied sardonically.

By now they had reached their dorm. Lily, it seemed, had only escorted Audra back for fear that she may do something drastic. She left immediately to go check on James in the hospital wing where Madame Pomfrey was trying every cure to every love potion that she knew. As Lily shut the door Audra removed the crumpled up paper from the wastebasket that she had written earlier today. Audra smiled wickedly, "Don't get mad, get even." At this she gave an evil laugh, "Ho, ho, ho. Ha, ha, ha, ha. He, he, he." (and a couple of la-la-las) (sorry I just watched the Wizard of Oz ).

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The pink and yellow tutu returns! Sorry it took me so long to update. But what happened was that I had written a lot of the chapter than I took a two-week break. When I read what I had already written I thought it was a load of crap and had to start all over. But to make it up to you I made this my longest chapter yet! Finally, I'd like to thank everyone who has reviewed this story. I am up to 37 reviews, I think. Keep it up and **REVIEW**, (please). Peace Out.


	13. Chapter 12

Chapter 12:

Severus Snape was unattractive, unpopular, unfunny, uninteresting, unkind, un-… you get my point. So it was no surprise that Severus Snape did not have a date to today's 7th year dance. To show you just how lame Severus truly is let's just say that when Borgus had assigned a 5-page essay on the Wolfsbane Potion, Severus had almost wetted himself from excitement and had enjoyed writing it so much that his essay was 11 pages long.

At that moment, this unloved soul was eating breakfast alone and wondering if he could ask Professor Borgus for extra Potions homework when he received a timid tap on the shoulder. Snape turned to see a frightened looking first year Gryffindor. "What?" he barked cruelly, sneering as the kid visibly shook.

"I'm suppose to give this to you," said the small boy, handing Severus a letter.

Before Severus could ask who it was from the boy took off. Severus opened the envelope to reveal a crumpled up, hastily written note. It read:

Snape,

I know that you don't like me and I'm positive that I loathe you, but I think we should come together through a mutual hatred of a certain over-confident asshole named Sirius Black. I have a plan that would make tonight a living hell for him and a cause for celebration for the two of us. So before you go to Borgus and do some major ass-kissing by asking for extra homework meet me at the large willow tree at 11 o'clock this afternoon where I can fill you in on the plan in detail. Don't let anyone see you.

Audra Brooks

P.S. Swallow this note.

"Honestly," said Snape aloud, "Swallow the note. Isn't that a bit much?"

However, as he said this he caught a glance from Audra who was sitting at the Gryffindor table with Remus Lupin. She mouthed to him 'swallow it,' and without further ado Snape shoved the whole paper in his mouth and began to chew. A few people caught him doing this and snickered. Avery Nott, who was not exactly a friend of Snape's but an acquaintance, said with a sarcastic edge to his voice, "You know Snape you don't have to eat paper. That's why people have food."

An Hour Later:

Lily and Audra were sitting on James' bed in the hospital wing. Madame Pomfrey had been with him all night trying to cure him of the lamentable disease called love. She looked disheveled and tired, leaning on the bedpost with the look of utmost defeat.

Lily concernedly looked at James who was fitfully sleeping. As James tossed once again crying out "Gigi!" with great agony Lily turned towards Madame Pomfrey, "Are you sure you tried everything?"

Madame Pomfrey, looking slightly offended replied emphatically, "Everything. I even had Professor Borgus here." Then after a small pause, "I must say that Borgus was not very helpful. I almost felt like he preferred Potter in this state. He was rather jolly when he realized that Potter wouldn't be able to turn up for classes."

Audra sighed, "Figures." She then gave Lily a small pat on the back. "I'm sure he'll be back to normal before the dance. And if not he may still go with you, if you promise to have a threesome with him and 'Gigi' that is."

"That's really gross."

Madame Pomfrey then interrupted this disturbing thought. "It is possible that James has been given a rather complicated love potion but it would have taken an extremely brainy student to make it."

"What's so complicated about it?" asked Lily.

"Well, it takes two weeks to make and it calls for very rare ingredients and it expires within two days after the two weeks it was made."

"Have you tried that cure?"

"That's the thing. The only way it can be cured is if the original potion maker makes the antidote, because he or she must put in a bit of their hair and speak the exact words that they spoke at the same time that they spoke them when they made the love potion."

Audra snorted, "You weren't kidding when you said it was complicated."

Madame Pomfrey sniffed, "So hopefully that's not what the person used." She then left to check on her other patients.

Lily smiled. "I bet that's what they used."

"Oh, and you're smiling because…?"

"It narrows down who could've done it." Lily's smile broadened. "It'd take someone extremely pissed off at James to make that potion, and that person would have to be very smart to be able to not only create it but to even think of it."

Audra sighed, "Lily, James has pissed off a lot of people over the years through his pranks. Practically every Slytherin would love to poison James."

"Exactly."

"I'm afraid I'm not following."

"Why would a Slytherin who had the opportunity to poison James decide on a love potion that would make him have a strong sexual attraction to Filch?"

"Because it'd be funny."

"NO! Don't you think they'd choose something more sinister?"

"Oh, yeah," said Audra, the truth dawning on her.

"And it couldn't be Sirius because he wasn't angry until the day of the match. Plus James is his best friend."

"So who do you think it was?"

"Someone James would trust not to poison him if he accepted drink or food from them. And since the affects sink in almost immediately there's only a small time in which the person could've given it to James before the match."

"But anyone could've snuck by and slipped something into his drink at breakfast."

"He didn't eat breakfast. After you and Sirius fought James followed Sirius back to the dorm."

"So Sirius would've been there if James took food from anyone," said Audra victoriously.

"Yeah. And they'd have to have the Gryffindor password to get into the Common Room to the dorm," said Lily with finality. "So all we have to do is see if Sirius saw anyone give James' something to eat and drink."

"For fuck's sake Lily! You are the sharpest knife in the drawer! The brightest star in the galaxy. The-"

"That's enough. Let's find Sirius."

"Right."

And with that this brilliant duo went to search for Sirius and …some answers. Dun, Dun, DUN!

Lily and Audra found Sirius valiantly trying to find a date. Lily ran over to him, "Sirius I need to talk to you."

Sirius excused himself to a few giggly 6th year Ravenclaws. Once he was out of earshot he snapped, "What do you want?" Then spotting Audra, "There's no fucking way I'm getting back together with Audra. You tell her that."

"Like she'd want to. It's about James."

"Oh yeah. I was with him all morning. How is he?" Sirius said this with sincere concern.

Lily smiled; sometimes Sirius could be so sweet. "We think we've found a way to cure him of his, well, problem. Did you see James' eat or drink anything before the Quidditch match yesterday?"

"Yeah, Midge brought James breakfast. He didn't even offer me some."

"Really?" said Lily.

"Yeah, I thought it was rude too."

But Lily had already took off towards Audra who was standing at the other end of the room staring daggers at Sirius and the girls he had been flirting with. Audra turned her attention to Lily, "Well, who was it?"

"Midge Grundy."

At Approximately 10:30 That Same Morning:

James was sitting up in bed with a mixed look of self-loathing, disgust, and pain. Sadly, he could remember every single detail of his one-day tryst with Argus Filch. He left everyone with a horrific visual image when he told them that after the game Filch comforted him in his private office with a candlelit dinner and they sung Christine Aguilera's "Beautiful." Then they choreographed a dance to "You Sexy Thing." James refused to be very specific about the dance steps simply saying that Mrs. Norris had an important role as a dominatrix. The night ended in tight hot pink spandex for James. Apparently, it was a dream of Filch's to do a Richard Simmons' video with the one he loved. So James learned to dance along with a peppy gay man who listened to lame music and had obvious pride in his inner thighs, which he constantly flashed through out the video. James knew that he was going to have nightmares where "Everyone's doing great!"

Shortly after this Audra left, saying she had some business to attend to, and Lily and James were alone. James smiled gratefully, gathering Lily in his arms and kissing her, "You are so amazing."

Lily laughed. "Well, I heard you are great at the tango, and I didn't want to miss out."

James grinned, "You heard correctly. I am a superb tango dancer. But you'll have to wait until tonight to see it." Then, kissing her on the nose, "Tell me how you figured out it was Midge who had a desire to change my sexual preference."

Lily sat on his lap and told him about her deductive reasoning, and how when her and Audra confronted Midge she broke down and admitted to making the potion…"So Midge came down here right away and made the antidote. We got you to take it by telling you it would make you look like Richard Simmons' identical twin."

"I wanted to look like Richard Simmons?"

"Yep. He was your idol. Anyway Midge went to Dumbledore's office with McGonagall and we haven't seen her since."

"You are brilliant."

"Of course I am. That's why you love me so much." Lily blushed as she said this, "I mean that's well, um, why you _like_ me so much."

James rubbed her shoulders gently. "I think you were right the first time."

Lily turned towards him, their eyes inches away from each other; slowly she began to kiss him. Her lips caressing his.

"U-U-Imm." Madame Pomfrey stood their hands on hips. "Do you think we can arrange some sort of schedule so I don't have to constantly find you two at it?"

Meanwhile:

Severus was waiting under the large willow tree. He glances at his watch; it's 10:58. He then sees Audra approaching at a light jog. Though it was against his instincts to come here he was curious to see what Audra had planned. She was rather clever, and with that in mind tonight, if he decided to go along with whatever her idea was, would be interesting. By now Audra had approached him. She had a maniacal gleam in her eyes, "This was my idea…"

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Sorry, you're going to have to wait until the dance to find out Audra's idea but I'm sure many of you have guessed it by now. Anyway, next chapter is the long awaited "Prom." Let's just say that it's a hilarious chapter, or at least I think so. Anyway, after the last chapter I noticed that I only got a few reviews. I was heartbroken to say the least. So please, if you take the time to read the story, can't you review? **Please, I beg of you, review.** Finally, thanks to everyone who has reviewed.  Peace Out.


	14. Chapter 13

Chapter 13:

"As you are aware Midge Grundy cannot go unpunished for her role as 'the love potion bandit,'" said Professor Dumbledore peering down at Lily and James from his spectacles.

Professor McGonagall had called them to Dumbledore's office shortly after 11:30. And at that moment James and Lily were sitting across from Dumbledore as he spoke of retribution for Midge's crime.

"So after careful consideration Professor McGonagall and myself have decided to remove Ms. Grundy from her current position as Head Girl. We thought that the willingness to poison a fellow student was not a characteristic that a Head Girl, which is a position of great prestige, should have."

"She shall be replaced by Ms. Evans, if Ms. Evans accepts our offer." At this Dumbledore looked expectantly at Lily, a smile playing upon the corners of his lips.

Lily grinned, "Of course I'll accept!"

Dumbledore nodded his head, "Excellent."

Dumbledore then directed his gaze towards James. "This also concerns you because, upon arriving at this decision, I had called Mr. Lupin to my office to tell him of the removal of Midge Grundy, and the possibility of Ms. Evans taking her place." Dumbledore smiled at James rather cheerfully. "He said that in the case that Ms. Evans accepts the responsibilities of Head Girl he shall resign, and shall allow Mr. Potter to take his position as Head Boy."

James gaped at this announcement. Remus had honestly loved being Head Boy. He knew that it would look very good on job applications, and he needed all the help he could get being a werewolf and all.

"I'll do it," said James. The idea of having a private room with Lily was just too enticing.

"Lovely. I'm sure that the fact that you two are currently dating did not sway Remus' decision to step down," Dumbledore continued, a twinkle in his eye.

Lily blushed at Dumbledore's knowledge of her love life. James, however, was wondering if Dumbledore knew that he was visualizing having sex with Lily in their new private rooms at that very moment.

"Your belongings have already been moved to your new rooms and your password is 'Filch.' I thought it was appropriate since that is how you came to have your positions."

"So I'll let you go now as I know you have plenty to do before the dance.

And if I do not have the opportunity to tell you later I hope you have a lovely time tonight."

As Lily and James got up, James caught a distinct wink from Dumbledore. "Oh God," thought James, "He knows…and he approves." James then exited the room behind Lily trying to rid himself of the image of 'Dumbledore the Pimp' getting it on with a lot of big breasted women.

OOOOOOOOOOO

Upon entering their private quarters Lily and James were greeted by a lavishly decorated room of gold and red. It had a bright and cheery atmosphere to it. There was a fireplace placed in the center of the wall that was facing them. The pictures on the walls on both sides of the fireplaces showed lions in different stances. To the right was a door that read 'Lily' and to the left was a room that read 'James.'

James turned towards Lily, pulling her by the waist so that she leaned up against him. "So first night, my room or yours?"

Lily laughed, giving him a light smack on the back of the head. "I have to make sure all the preparations for the dance are going accordingly, and then I'm getting ready with Audra in _my_ room."

James pouted. "Well, what am I suppose to do?"

"Practice some dance moves. When I come back I want to be dazzled by some John Travolta-esque moves."

"Can I see what you're wearing?"

"What? NO! It's bad luck to see me before I'm _all_ ready."

"I'm sorry Ms. Evans I didn't know we were getting married."

Lily looked at James with a mock scathing look, "You should be so lucky."

"Well I just wanted to be sure that we matched."

Lily laughed. "You're such a fruit."

"Oh just pretend I didn't say anything!"

OOOOOOOOOOOO

Lily and Audra were just finishing getting dressed in Lily's room. It was only 5:00 o'clock, but as the 7th years were allowed to go and eat at Hogsmeade they needed more time.

Lily was adding a few more curls to her hair with her wand. "Audra, you never did tell me who you are going with to the dance with now that you broke up with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named?"

Audra grinned, "Where was I? I had no idea I was going out with Voldemort all this time!"

Lily sighed, "You know who I mean."

"Yeah, but you can say his name. It's not forbidden. Though I am thinking of giving him an Indian name. Like 'One-With-Little-Penis-But-Big-Ego.'"

"Poor Sirius!"

"Poor my ass! Anyway, back to whom I'm going with. I want it to be a surprise, so you'll have to wait and see."

If Lily had not been busy giving herself a final look over in the mirror she would have seen a devilish grin on Audra's face."

OOOOOOOOOOOOOO

James and Sirius were preparing in the James' room. It had only taken them an hour to prepare, including showering and making their dress robes into tuxedos.

James looked at his watch, "Sirius hurry up. It's 5:00."

"One sec." Sirius began applying after-shave to his face and then reached for a bottle of cologne. He then asked, with an admirable front of nonchalance, "So…Who's Audra going with."

James quickly glanced at his watch again. "Er, I don't know."

"It's not that I care." However, the fact that Sirius had now applied at least 15 large squirts of cologne to himself, contradicted that statement. "I mean, I'm taking Nicolette Grady, and she's hot, so what do I care?" At this Sirius applied several more squirts.

James looked amusedly at his friend, "As you said you don't care I'm guessing you don't care."

_Squirt._

"Damn right I don't care."

_Squirt. Squirt._

"I mean Audra, she's annoying. She always wants to do physical stuff, and sometimes I want to talk about my feelings."

_Squirt. SSS-QQQ-UUU-IIII-RRR-TTT. _

"Since when have you wanted to talk about your feelings?"

"Shut Up James! That's not the point!" said Sirius vehemently.

_Squirt. _

"Okay," said James trying not to point and laugh at his friend.

"I mean, Ashley and I are going to PARTY!"

_Squirt._

"I thought you said you were going with Nicolette?"

"Oh, whatever James. WHATEVER!"

James sniffed the air. "You know whoever you're going with, she's not going to want to party with you when she can't even breathe because you reek so bad."

Sirius inhaled, and almost choked. "I guess I put on a bit too much."

Sirius took out his wand and performed a freshening spell on his clothes. He then walked up to James. "Alright James, this is it."

Sirius looked at himself in the mirror once more. He looked sexy and by the smug look on his face one could tell that he knew he was. His hair fell gracefully in his face, and his black tuxedo emphasized his muscular but sleek physique. He straightened out his navy blue collared-shirt. He had opted against a tie, and his shirt was unbuttoned enough to reveal a bit of chest hair peaking out.

However, as good as Sirius looked James could have given him a run for his money. Though his hair was still untidy it looked rather appealing when added with his black tuxedo. He had on a simple white collared-shirt, and a forest green tie that Lily had got him for the occasion. The color of the tie emphasized the bits of green in his hazel eyes.

James opened his door to the common area he and Lily shared. "See you later, Padfoot."

Sirius acknowledged him with a wave of his hand and went to get his date.

James knocked at Lily's door. "Lil, are you ready?"

Audra opened the door. "Mr. Potter," she said in an exaggerated voice, "May I introduce to you the elegant and beautiful Ms. Lily Evans."

James looked expectantly at the door, and even though he expected Lily to look breathtakingly gorgeous, as she usually does, he was completely knocked out by her radiance.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

End of Chapter! He, he. You'll have to wait until the next chapter for the dance. **Sorry**, I know I promised it to you last chapter, but I lied. I know I'm an ass. It's just that I wrote this and it was already several pages so I decided to break the dance and whatever this chapter was about into 2 separate chapters. Anyway, for all those people who told me that Lily and James are the Head Girl and Boy, well here you are. I know it was a pretty gay twist, but hey, I though I'd be different. Finally, Thanks a million for all those who have reviewed this story so far. I know it's taken me forever to update, but life has been hectic and I haven't gotten many reviews the last 2 chapters so I've considered dropping the story, but I decided against it. SO **PLEASE **

**REVIEW! PLEASE. PLEASE. PLEASE. **The more reviews I get the quicker I'll update. Peace Out.


	15. Chapter 14

Chapter 14:

James looked expectantly at the door, and even though he expected Lily to look breathtakingly gorgeous, as she usually does, he was completely knocked out by her radiance.

Lily was now looking expectantly at James.

"Well…do you like it?"

James wondered how he couldn't like it. Lily had on an off the shoulder, white dress that clung to her figure in all the right places. A green sash was tied loosely around her hips. Her hair was curled and was partly held up with by a barrette that held a white rose in place. She had on a jade necklace and earrings that brought out the color in her eyes, and decorative green slippers. James hadn't realized that he had been gaping and he quickly closed his mouth. Even as he tried to reply he had a difficult time forming words.

"You look…" James cleared his throat, "You look…fine. I mean more than fine…"

Audra who had been quietly enjoying James going back to caveman era now decided to help her friend. "In boy language fine means beautiful. Right James?"

James nodded his head dumbly.

Audra grinned. "Well, you two lovebirds have a marvelous time. I have to find my date."

Lily looked at Audra. "Why are you taking shampoo with you?"

"No reason. Later."

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

If anyone had still been within a close proximity of the dungeons they would have heard an unusual amount of noise coming from their dank, dark quarters. However, the only person who was in hearing distance of the din was Professor Borgus and he had come to the conclusion that Filch and Mrs. Norris were doing something inappropriate in there. For he had come upon them in a rather compromising position in the dungeons before, and the memory had been quite scarring to him.

Memory Begins:

It is midnight. Borgus is preparing for his weekly bubble bath. He is clad in nothing but a lavender towel, and he is holding his matching colored loofah.

Suddenly he heard a startling meow from the dungeons. Forgetting his unusual attire he runs to the dungeons to see what or who is making that screeching racket. He opens the dungeon door to see…Filch doing Mrs. Norris doggie style. Filch turns towards Borgus, quickly covering his bits and pieces. Borgus looks quietly over the scene, final saying…

"Filch, are you wearing a pink thong?"

"No," says Filch, sounding offended, "It's salmon-colored."

Filch then looked shrewdly at Borgus, "Is that a lavender-colored towel around your waist?"

"No," said Borgus, thinking quickly, "It's purple."

Filch and Borgus then look into each other's eyes, both wondering the same question that you are no doubt thinking yourself. Is purple a manlier color than lavender?

Filch then asks, Borgus rather pleadingly, "You'll tell no one of this?"

"No, I won't tell."

"Good," says Filch, snapping his party hat back on his head. He then looks at Borgus once again. "Nice loofah."

Memory Ends.

However, Borgus could have gone in the dungeons now, and though the scene may have disturbed him, it had nothing to do with Filch's promiscuous relationship with Mrs. Norris. This time the scene that was taking place in the dungeons was of an entirely different nature.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Severus Snape screamed again as his head was dunked in a bucket of ice cold water. Once his head was pulled out someone immediately began lathering his hair.

"Ouch. Do you have to dig your nails into my scalp?" asked Snape vehemently.

"No," replied Audra cheerfully, "It just makes this experience a little more enjoyable for me."

"You could have at least have made the water warm."

"It was. But this place is so cold that it was practically frozen by the time I got down here." Audra made a motion towards the surrounding dungeons with her soap-covered hand.

"I don't see why this is necessary," said Snape whiningly.

"It's necessary because I don't want people to be able to say that I went to the dance with a greasy-haired git. I might not be able to fix the git part, but I _can_ fix the greasy hair."

Audra dunked Snape's head into the bucket again, becoming obscurely happy when she heard him yelp. She laughed at the scowl on his face, "At least it smells good. It's Garnier Fructis."

After several more washings Snape's hair was clean and silky. Audra had dressed him in a black tuxedo with a slightly open white shirt and no tie. Though you couldn't exactly call him sexy, he was attractive enough and practically unrecognizable.

Audra cleaned up her own dress, and smiled as Snape peered at himself in the mirror. "Are you ready to piss off a certain someone?"

Snape grinned devilishly, offering his arm to Audra, "I certainly am."

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

James and Lily had walked to Hogsmeade, and were now sitting together at Felipe Fortescues's Fancy Restaurant. The restaurant had a cozy, warm atmosphere and the low rumble of conversation and the gentle clinking of wine glasses was a nice background to the happy glow that James and Lily radiated.

However, James' stomach was churning. This was his and Lily's first official date. Of course they snogged a lot and ate together, but they'd never had the opportunity to go somewhere outside of Hogwarts as a couple. James wanted this to be a really great evening. Lily interrupted his thoughts when she squeezed his hand.

"James, this is really amazing."

Lily smiled. "We haven't even gone to the dance and I want to say that it's already been one of the happiest evenings of my life."

James looked at Lily, whose eyes were shining brightly. Now was his chance to give her his gift, he fumbled in his pocket for the box. "Oh, I got you something."

He handed Lily the box. "Hmmm…I wonder what it is. It can't be jewelry, can it?"

James sighed, "Okay, so it's not that original, but just open it."

Lily took out a silver bracelet that had on it a simple silver heart. Engraved on the heart was '**Lily and James.'**

"James, I love it."

Lily bent over the table and kissed James hard on the lips, moving her tongue between his lips and causing James to moan.

"U-U-Im."

Lily and James parted to see a stern looking waiter staring down at them.

"Your orders please."

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

It was 6:58. The dance was about to begin. Sirius had arrived early, and was looking impatiently at his watch. He figured that James and Lily were off snogging somewhere, but where was Audra? _She_ would not be snogging someone. _She_ would be crying in the corner because she blew it with him, Sirius Black, The King of the Ladies.

Sirius had already gone out with Nicolette. However, since she couldn't have more than one thought in her head at a time, and if that thought were to be at all complex she'd implode, conversation had been nonexistent. But not only could Sirius not talk, which wasn't that big of a deal when he was on a date, he couldn't eat either. That was a big deal for Sirius. Nicolette hadn't

wanted to eat for fear of 'getting a gut.' At the time this hadn't bothered Sirius because he could immediately begin to make out with her, but now his stomach was growling and he felt like he had been fasting for weeks. Sirius suddenly became severely pissed off. He went to look at his watch again, when Nicolette began to tug at his sleeve.

"Sirius it's 7 o'clock. Let's dance."

Sirius had been so lost in thought he hadn't heard the music begin.

"Sure darlin'," he drawled.

As Sirius began to walk towards the dance floor he heard a ringing laugh that he knew fairly well. He quickly turned to see Audra entering the Great Hall. Sirius' jaw dropped to the floor. A girl that was sobbing her heart out after a bad breakup didn't look like _that_. Audra had a short, clingy blue green dress on that showed off her legs. Sirius had always thought she had nice legs. Her hair was up, with soft blonde ringlets framing her face. She had on blue high heels that made her almost as tall as her date. Her date? Sirius stopped staring at Audra long enough to glance at her date. He wasn't the greatest looking guy in the room, but he certainly wasn't ugly. Sirius felt, rather eerily, that he should recognize him. Right behind Audra and her date was James and Lily. James was staring at Audra's date like he was about to vomit. Lily simply looked amused. Sirius' reverie was broken once again by Nicolette.

"Sirius, are you coming?" Nicolette then began to pout. "I don't feel like you're paying any attention to me!"

Sirius didn't answer. Audra and her date were coming closer to him, and he was beginning to have any ever-growing ball of rage and disbelief in his stomach.

"Fine! If you won't dance with me I'll find someone who will!"

Sirius was by now so furious he was surprised that he didn't explode. Without thinking he stormed up to Audra.

"This better be someone else, and not who I think it is."

Audra looked at him, her eyes burning, but her voice came out in a falsely sweet falsetto, "And what if it is who you think it is?"

Sirius grabbed Snape by his throat, "Then you're about to go through the rest of this dance single."

Audra quickly took out her wand, "Let him go or else _you_ are about to go through the rest of your life with one testicle."

Sirius grudgingly let him go, knowing that Audra was totally capable of performing such a spell.

Sirius stared daggers at Snape before turning back to Audra, "So," he said in a falsely calm voice, "are you two a couple then?"

"That's for us to know. Now go crawl in a hole and die."

"Ok. Fine. JOLLY FUCKING FINE! I'm…I'm."

Snape said coolly, "…leaving now."

Sirius reeled back his fist to hit Snape in the gut when he felt somebody grab his arm. He looked to see it was James.

"Don't do this Sirius you'll just be kicked out of the dance. Come with me."

Sirius stalked off with James who brought him to the refreshment table. Sirius ruffled his hair restlessly, "Thanks mate."

"No problem."

James handed Sirius a cup of punch. Sirius glanced at the cup, "I'm going to need something stronger than this to get me through tonight."

James grinned wickedly, "Trust me. Drink it."

Sirius laughed and took a large gulp of the punch. "What you'd put in here."

"Lily left me in charge of the punch so I spiked it with firewhiskey. I figured that there's no better way to get the party started."

At that moment Professor McGonagall stepped up from behind them and helped herself to a large cup of punch. She nodded curtly at the two of them and then downed her drink, and took another cupful with her. James and Sirius sniggered. It was definitely going to be an interesting night.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

The dance had been going on for one hour. Sirius was drunkenly swaying by the refreshment table, moodily watching Audra laugh as she slow-danced with Snape.

"Bitch," Sirius said quietly to himself, looking for his next female victim. Suddenly his eyes zeroed on to a red-faced McGonagall.

"Bingo."

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Lily and James were dancing closely near the front of the dance floor. This was one of Lily's favorite songs. She allowed the lyrics to wash over her as she laid her head on James' shoulder.

_It's late in the evening; she's wondering what clothes to wear.  
She puts on her make-up and brushes her long blonde hair.  
And then she asks me, "Do I look all right?"  
And I say, "Yes, you look wonderful tonight." _

Lily turned her head so that it was facing James' neck. She quietly began to trail kisses up to his jaw line.

_We go to a party and everyone turns to see  
This beautiful lady that's walking around with me.  
And then she asks me, "Do you feel all right?"   
And I say, "Yes, I feel wonderful tonight."_

James looked down at Lily. "Do you want to leave the dance for a few minutes? We can come back later."

_I feel wonderful because I see  
The love light in your eyes.  
And the wonder of it all  
Is that you just don't realize how much I love you. _

Lily smiled up at James, "I think that's a lovely idea."

They slowly made their way off the dance floor, and walked towards their private quarters, stopping occasionally to kiss in an empty nook. They still could hear the music playing dimly in the background.

_It's time to go home now and I've got an aching head,  
So I give her the car keys and she helps me to bed. _

They finally reached their room, and James opened the door for Lily and quietly shut it behind them.

_And then I tell her, as I turn out the light,  
I say, "My darling, you were wonderful tonight.  
Oh my darling, you were wonderful tonight._

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Back at the dance a tipsy Dumbledore had stepped on to the stage to give a small speech. "Now is the time," said Dumbledore slurring his words and flourishing his hands wildly, "for my favorite Muggle pastime…karaoke. Do I have any volunteers?"

As Dumbledore was airing his request Sirius was in the corner sweet-talking Professor McGonagall. McGonagall, who was obviously under the influence, was laughing giddily at everything Sirius was saying.

Sirius quickly looked up after Dumbledore had finished talking, and after a few seconds of debating whether they should volunteer their, what they considered beautiful, vocals they stumbled their way on to the stage.

After naming their song to the deejay a familiar beat filled the room.

Sirius began the song in a loud, off key voice.

"_If you see a faded sign by the side of the road that says  
15 miles to the..." _

Here McGonagall begins to sing, while gyrating rather scarily to the music, _"**Love Shack! Love Shack** yeah  
I'm headin' down the Atlanta highway,   
lookin' for the love getaway  
Heading for the love getaway, love getaway…"_

Obviously spurred on by the lyrics the two began to smack each other's asses and Sirius threw off his shirt in what, he deemed, a sexy fashion.

Sirius begins to point wildly at his balls as he sings, _"I got me a car,_

_it's as big as a **whale**   
and we're headin' on down  
To the Love Shack  
I got me a Chrysler, it seats about 20  
So hurry up and bring your jukebox money."_

The song continues for a few minutes longer, and everyone in the room is staring concernedly at an exuberant Sirius and McGonagall, who began to hump each other at the 'Bang, Bang' part of the song. However, they were not concerned for the two people on stage but for their own sanity, wondering if they were to be emotionally scarred for the rest of their lives. One student went as far as to try to take his eyes out with a spoon so that he no longer had to suffer from the image of McGonagall and Sirius making out on stage. Luckily, Professor Flitwick was able to stop the student just in the nick of time. But we have a more important situation on our hands. We must wonder about Sirius' sexuality. Earlier this year he was smacking James on the ass, and now he's not only smacking McGonagall's ass but also he's humping her too. Hmmm…Tricky, Very Tricky.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Audra and Snape had been dancing enthusiastically to the music until Sirius and McGonagall began their 'Karaoke Horror Show.' Then, they, like everyone else, became horribly transfixed by the disgusting view taking place, wanting to turn away but finding themselves unable to.

However, as the song ended, with McGonagall shouting "Tits!" and flashing everyone in the room, Sirius seemed to finally come back to reality. And after staring at McGonagall's sagging, wrinkly breasts for a few seconds he ran from the room with his hand over his mouth as if to keep himself from puking.

Audra and Snape looked at each other wickedly before running after Sirius.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Sirius ran out of the room towards the front door of Hogwarts, where he began to vomit repeatedly. Snape and Audra quickly ran behind the bushes to see what was to occur next. Soon Sirius finished his business and sat dejectedly on the front steps.

Remus had come in shortly after Sirius and sat next to him on the steps. "So…that was…interesting."

"Yeah, well…Audra shouldn't have gone to the dance with that greasy-haired git."

"Actually, his hair looked silky and smooth to me."

Here Audra looked proudly at Snape, mouthing 'Told you.'

Sirius looked at Remus disbelievingly. "Whose side are you on?"

"Yours, yours, of course."

"I just wanted to, you know, make her jealous."

Remus tried hard to smile. "Well, making out with McGonagall was certainly the way to go."

Sirius sighed, ruffling his hair gloomily, "Let's go back inside."

As Sirius and Remus got up to go back to the dance, Audra turned to Snape. "Our plan is going perfectly. Up high, player!"

But Snape was staring at Audra strangely, looking straight into her eyes with a mixed expression on his face.

"Hello…Snape?" Audra was snapping her fingers in front of his face.

Without warning Snape grabbed Audra by the back of the neck smashing his lips hard against hers, and forcing his tongue into her mouth.

Audra felt paralyzed, then without warning it hit her. She was kissing Severus Snape. EW! She pushed him back with her hands. Snape let go of her, laughing softly and breathing hard.

Audra was shaking with anger, "Why you-you bastard!"

She slapped him hard across the face, causing a large welt. Then without looking at Snape again she took off towards her dorm room.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Lily knocked softly on Audra's door. When her and James had returned to the dance Lily saw Snape standing stiffly by the refreshment table, with a red hand mark across his face. Figuring that that was from Audra she quickly made her way to Gryffindor common room.

"Audra." she called, "It's Lily."

"Come in."

Lily opened the door, and walked in to the room to see Audra in hysterics.

"Aud, what happened?"

Audra was standing in the middle of the room with Listerine and toothpaste in one hand, and a toothbrush in the other. At the moment she was vigorously brushing her teeth and tongue. Audra spit in the sink.

"Well, my brilliant plan turned out to be not so brilliant."

"Why?"

"Snape kissed me. He pressed his slimy, Slytherin lips on to my lips, and stuck his slimy, Slytherin tongue down my throat."

As Audra said this she gestured dangerously with her toothbrush causing flecks of toothpaste to spatter around the room.

"Was it that bad, Aud."

"Well, that's a stupid question. Of course it was bad. It was HORRIBLE!"

Audra walked quickly towards the mirror, examining her tongue. "I'm probably growing some sort of fungus on my tongue now."

Lily laughed. "You're not growing a fungus on your tongue."

Audra turned towards Lily. "Lily I kissed Severus Snape. I'm lucky if all I get is a fungus problem. I probably have herpes, or something."

Audra poured herself a large cup of Listerine, and gargled it with great vigor.

"So are you and Sirius going to call it even?"

"Yeah, I frenched Snape. He frenched McGonagall. I'd say it's even."

"You're not going to be organizing any more plans with Snape that are going to backfire on your ass?"

"Nope. None."

Lily smiled warmly at Audra. "Do you want to go back downstairs? I think I've made James wait long enough."

Audra nodded. "So…how's your day going?"

Lily began to go into detail about her and James' evening. As the exited the common room they ran into Sirius. Audra moved back to apologize but upon recognizing Sirius she remained silent.

Sirius looked pleadingly at Audra, "Can I talk to you for a second?"

"Alright."

Lily looked at the two of them. "Well, I'll be at the dance if either of you want me."

Audra looked quickly at Sirius, and then turned her eyes disconcertedly to the ceiling. "So…"

Sirius interrupted Audra, "Look Aud, I'm really sorry."

Audra seemed to gather steam from Sirius' apology. "Damn right your sorry. You ruined my Quidditch match, my 7th year dance, everything that's important to me."

Sirius gaped for a moment before retaliating, "It's not like you're totally innocent. You went to the dance with Snape, you…well…that's enough to really piss me off!"

Audra looked at him angrily, "Oh, so it's all my fault now, is it?"

"Yeah, I'd say it is!"

Audra pushed Sirius roughly, causing him to tumble down the stairs, but as he began to fall Sirius managed to grab Audra's dress, making her fall with him. By the time they hit the last step Audra had fallen on top of Sirius.

Audra moved her body so that she was straddling Sirius, then, before Sirius could say anything further Audra kissed him passionately. Sirius returned the kiss bringing her body closer so that he could feel her body pressing against him. They paused when they heard footsteps coming up behind them.

Audra and Sirius turned to see McGonagall leaning against the wall, her face pale and sweaty. "Ms. Brooks, Mr. Black. I don't want to know."

Audra and Sirius laughed.

Sirius looked at Audra lovingly. "So," said Sirius, kissing her palm tenderly, "do you want to finish the dance together? We still have 30 minutes."

Audra nodded, then felt her hair. "Jesus, I must look like a train wreck!"

Sirius looked at her appraisingly, "I would have to disagree. But maybe this will help."

He gently pulled out her pony holder, causing her hair to come cascading down. "There."

"Maybe I should put your hair over your face to cover your blood hot eyes," said Audra laughingly. "How much punch did you drink?"

"Oh, a cup there, a cup here," he said airily.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

James and Lily had begun to dance again, but Lily was keeping a close watch on the door to see if Sirius and Audra had made up.

Upon seeing them enter she gave a long sigh of relief. James turned towards the door too, to see Audra and Sirius enter arm in arm. Sirius winked at James, and they approached James and Lily on the dance floor. After a few more songs Dumbledore announced that this would be the last piece of music to be played. Slowly 'You Shook Me All Night Long' began to play, causing the dance floor to be packed.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

James grinned, "That was one hell of a night."

Lily, Audra, and Sirius nodded in agreement. They were sitting around the fire in James and Lily's common area.

Audra sighed, "With all the drama that happened tonight I feel like I'm in a fucking soap opera. I half expect someone to get a sex-change."

At that moment Peter Pettigrew burst through the door, his eyes alight with passion. "I want to be Liza Minneli!"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

This is the longest chapter I've ever written. Wow. I'm tired. So tell me what you think and please **REVIEW**. I mean really, please review, I updated fairly quickly and I worked quite hard on this chapter. Peace Out. : )


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